Lets talk about abortion.

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Abortion is a sensitive topic of conversation.

There is a huge stigma attached to women and girls who have had or seek to have an abortion  – not just because of the pro life vs pro choice debate (which I don’t believe should even exist), but also because even amongst women, it can still feel like a taboo. 

Nobody ever plans to get pregnant only to end the pregnancy. But unfortunately, many of us find ourselves in a situation where this is our only option.

A common pro-choice argument is that a woman who is raped should not have to go through with a pregnancy that was caused in such violent way and this is a completely valid point.

However, it’s also important for people to understand that this is not the only reason a woman may choose to end her pregnancy. There are so many reasons. And those reasons concern no one other than the woman herself. 

I was in two minds about writing this post because I wasn’t sure if it was anyone else’s business and I was also worried that family and friends who didn’t know about my abortion might judge me. But that is exactly the reason why I have to write this. The only way to combat the stigma surrounding the topic is to talk about it. 

I really want to share my experience with others because I have felt completely alone in dealing with this and at times have found it hard to understand my own emotions. So if this can help even one person, sharing my story will have been worth it. 

I found out I was pregnant back in October last year after being late on my period by two days (I use the Flo app to track my cycle). I had all the symptoms I usually got just before my period (sore and heavy boobs, stomach cramps, nausea, etc) and I put my tiredness down to just having started a new job, so the idea that I could be pregnant never crossed my mind. 

My boyfriend at the time asked me to do a pregnancy test to put his mind at ease and so I agreed, despite thinking it would be a waste of time and that we should wait a few more days. Now I look back, I know the reason I was reluctant to take a test was because I couldn’t bare to face the consequences of the result. I knew my life would change forever. 

My father raped my mum when she was 15 and when she discovered that she was pregnant, she had chosen to keep me – despite the circumstances. I always knew that because of this, if I was ever to become pregnant I would find it hard to have an abortion without envisioning the feutus as myself in my mums womb. So when I found myself in this situation, I knew the choice I had to make was going to tear my soul in two. 

My ex was incredibly unsupportive and emotionally manipulated me in to booking an appointment at the abortion clinic well before I was ready. His persistent bullying and the lack of empathy he showed me led me to believe that I had limited time to come to terms with with being pregnant and to prepare myself for an abortion I was not certain I wanted.

Because I was not financially or emotionally ready to be a mum and there are many things I want to do in my life before having children, I was already swaying towards the idea of ending the pregnancy. 

But every time I tried to explain to him that despite this, there was still a part of me that didn’t know if I could go through with it, he became very angry – calling me vindictive and selfish and accusing me of trying to ruin his life. He threatened that if I did choose to continue with the pregnancy, he would not support me, but that If I tried to move closer to my family for support, he would take the child away from me. 

Despite only being six weeks pregnant, I was made to feel by him and my doctors that if I didn’t get the abortion ‘over and done with’ It would be too late. My fragile state of mind meant I wasn’t able to think clearly and realise that this information was untrue and I in fact had much more time to think about my options. So within two weeks of finding out, I had had the abortion I was not ready to have. 

I know I am lucky to have had access to a safe abortion as tragically, so many women are not as fortunate. I’m sure this fact has made it even more difficult for me to talk about my struggles as I have felt guilty for having access to something that so many people have not. I have spent hours worrying that by admitting my sadness, I am being somewhat ungrateful for what I have.

The experience itself was traumatising – I took two lots of tablets over two days and then waited to miscarry whilst living in shared accommodation with people who were unaware of what was happening. When I passed the pregnancy, my ex asked if he could take a picture of the clot (which was about the size of a tennis ball) to send to his friends because apparently it looked like ‘strawberry jam’. His words will haunt me forever.

The lack of control I felt I had over the situation is probably what causes me such deep despair to this day. When I look back, I feel bad for what I went through and I think I might have healed a lot better if I had felt more in control of my body. 

Since then, I have felt angry, guilty, sad, empty, lost, relieved, regretful – an entire spectrum of emotions. I’ve learned now that this is normal. It’s not as clear cut as feeling relieved it’s over or completely regretting your decision. Often it’s a constant battle between your head and your heart which doesn’t seem to end.

I put an immense amount of pressure on myself to move on with my life as I saw my friends and family move on with theirs. Life seemed to go on for everyone else. But after the trauma, it felt as though time had been paused and that I was stuck in that painful moment, constantly reliving the heartache I felt at the time.

As that time in my life got further and further away, I felt increasingly silly for still feeling as emotional about it as if it had happened the day before.

But I have now realised that it is completely normal to feel this way – and now I’ve stopped beating myself up about it, I can begin to heal. 

I am slowly coming to terms with what happened and I’m confident that the decision I made was the right one for me at the time. I have good days and bad days and that is something I have to live with. 

In the past I’ve felt that I don’t have the right to feel grief because ultimately it was my decision to end my pregnancy. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

It’s important to understand that you are allowed to feel whatever you want and no one has the right to judge you.

I recently joined a Facebook group for women who’ve had or are thinking about an abortion, but I was removed from the group for being honest about my feelings of regret and sadness.

It infuriated me and broke my heart because it confirmed my insecurities – that no one wants to talk about anything other than the relief of ending an unplanned pregnancy.

This has to change. We need to talk about it and we need to support each other. 

For anyone that has been, or is going through this experience, it is important to allow yourself to feel the emotions you feel and process them properly.

Be kind to yourself, don’t rush and try to bounce back straight away. Try and reach out to friends and family, let yourself grieve, and don’t apologise for the way you feel. Everyone grieves differently and your feelings are completely valid. 

I am not a health professional or expert in this area but I am always happy to listen or share my experience with you. Feel free to get in touch through Twitter or you can drop me an email at summer@summermarie.co.uk for a chat.